Published July 25, 2007
I threatened to frame myself in a young boys mind,
wrapped so carelessly in cottons, using only
my salty eyes and sand-tangled hair.
I could hear the flutter and click of his memory
as my laughter broke its
wave on the shore.
Chopstick-thin wrists were worn naked and my
collarbone jutted into honesty that night
when I spoke the most natural lie.
I have no proof the world goes on
past the horizon, and I have never seen
the other side of the world.
I had no right to say.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I love it, especially "sand-tangled hair", the whole second stanza, and "chopstick-thin wrists". My only slight problem is the last line, as it seems unfinished. What did you have no right to say? It just seems a little vague, and doesn't stand alone very well. Your imagery is really fresh and original, though, and I really enjoyed it.
This is one of my favorites. The beginning was just so beautiful and I could really see it. I do think that this belongs in narrative poetry but not as a short story or anything like that. I like it better as a poem, I think you get more feeling out that way. These two stanza's were my favorite.
I threatened to frame myself in a young boys mind,
wrapped so carelessly in cottons, using only
my salty eyes and sand-tangled hair.
I could hear the flutter and click of his memory
as my laughter broke its
wave on the shore.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Even though this might not be in the right section, I love it. The way it's written is something I have never seen before. The imagry, the word choice, flowed beautifully, AND the title is eye catching. Good job.
Better suited for prose poetry, actually. As it is, it can't assert itself as a poem enough to justify leaving it as such.
But as for the content, it reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
The emotions are very strong, but it would be better as flash fiction or a short story.